Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
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So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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