my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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