5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
