I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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