Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I want is dick and wine.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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