No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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