I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Randomize
