I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
