made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard