I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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