At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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