Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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