In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
