The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
