Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
