So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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