are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
