Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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