he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
