On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
