You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize