What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
