Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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