FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
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Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
This toilet bowl is my home.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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