Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
