im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
