I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
