I can tuck mytits in my pants
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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