I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont even know how to be here
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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