shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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