WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
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Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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