First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
