I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
