I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
