Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
