I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
