She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
