even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
