You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
