Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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