I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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