don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
