cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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