I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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