my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
