i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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