barbara walters just said penis...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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