you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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