The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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