I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I got inside last night via doggy door
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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