im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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