I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
