So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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